Wheeze in and out of March with asthma, this month's stylishly winded disease. Many people are not aware that asthma (pronounced "ass-mar") is transmitted via virtually any sort of contact with an asthmatic (short for the full medical term: "poor asthmatic bastard"). Sharing things like cups, needles, prostitutes, and air can allow the asthma virus to rapidly find its way into your body and destroy you. Ever been late for work? That was probably the handiwork of a particularly malicious asthmatic. Other medical problems you can scientifically attribute to your asthmatic friends include: any and all coughing or hacking; exhaustion despite nearly two, or even three hours of sleep; intellectual and/or sexual inadequacy of any kind; and a slightly-to-thoroughly miserable childhood. Clearly, this sort of asthmatic tyranny has got to stop, and fortunately we here at DOTM have discovered a plan. The Mexican and French governments have teamed up to found the world's first asthma colony, somewhere off the coast of somewhere else. The plans mainly spearhead and organize the shipment of all thirty-eight billion asthmatics onto this tiny, underdeveloped island, along with several medium-to-large mammals for local color. Initially, these secret plans met with equally secret protests, but they were swiftly, secretly silenced with spirited, secret cries of "sucks to all of you!" The plan may sound cruel or unusual, but the French and Mexicans ("Frenxicans" for short) are actually taking measures to maintain a humane, even pleasant atmosphere. For example, the island will be located just a few miles away from Lepernia, the world's most popular leper colony. The two colonies will be able to occasionally come together for games such as volleyball, and killing. It is hoped that the lepers will boost the withering, wheezing self-esteem of the asthmatics via their feeble inability to maintain toes, fingers and limbs, let alone outrun a cheetah. Also, the asthma colony will be frequently visited by official asthma mascot and entertainer ordinaire Wheezy, the Asthmatic Little Man (referred, pre-lawsuit, to Wheezy, the Ashmatic Goddamn Dwarf). Born in 1968, this beacon of the asthmatic community performed throughout the late eighties and early nineties under the stage names Chompy the Rabid Troll and Barfy the Clown. He then took the world of asthmatic young children's birthday parties by storm, culminating in his election to the post of Official Asthma Guy in 1995. Since then, Wheezy has spread joy and hope throughout the world in a variety of vague, undocumented ways. Anyway, back to the asthmatics. They're gonna be just fine, so don't worry your pretty little head about it, baby. Now go make me a milkshake! Attagirl.
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