Poisonous and slickly deadly, love poses a constant threat to public health, and continually ranks alongside other pinnacles of deadliess such as the plague, the lumps, the endless jiggles, the uncommon cold, and light affection. Love (from the Latin "luv", meaning "harsh blow to spine or face") kills people all year but surfaces in its greatest strength on the fourteenth of Februrary: Valentine's Day-- or, as it is referred to in the medical world, Super Ultimate Mega Death Day. Symptoms of love include vomiting, itching, burning hair, getting a retarded tattoo, unnecessary and often harmful bursts of what is often mistaken for creativity, burning eyes, nausea, feelings of sexual inadequacy, buying really bad CD's for really stupid reasons, burning ears, talking on the phone too much, burning fingers, sheer idiocy and burning face. Be sure to consult a physician to accurately conclude whether you are, in fact, in love or simply on fire. If you've already purchased the Evan & Jaron CD, and wrapped it up in pink paper, and wrote a terrible poem, vaguely unconsciously imitating the songwriting style of Jaron (but not Evan) in a card pasted to the package with the utmost care, you are, as doctors are often heard to say, "right fucked."
Dude, I don't know how to treat love, and I'm like a total medical expert and stuff. Stick your head in a bucket of fish or something. Try buying candy in containers that aren't shaped like hearts. It might not be as immediately aesthetically pleasing, but the candy you get in the lung-shaped boxes is just as good, if not better. If you find yourself incurably in love, think of Larry King. Isn't that disgusting? Don't you wish you were dead, now, instead of here reading this and thinking about Larry King and how gross he is? King of what? King of absolute revulsion, if you ask me. Also, doesn't "J-Lo" kind sound like "Jello"? Don't you think that might be a little confusing? Do you think Puff Daddy is in love with J-Lo and that's why he tried to shoot those people? All out of crazy demented love? All of this over Jello? Do you think Jello qualifies as a disease of the month? If so, do you believe this might increase the frequency of our updates? Explain. Use complete sentences and a coherent argument with a strong thesis-- you're not the president, after all.
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