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Feeling unseasonally warm? Got a craving for a virgin sacrifice? Renting "The Skulls" this weekend? Well, you may be a frat boy, but it's also possible that you have the devil in you (independent of being a frat boy). Satanism can be contracted a number of ways, such as being possessed by a demon spirit, or eating the Devil's "special" oatmeal cookies. Satanism can effect all aspects of your life, such as your frequency of webpage updates. You are also able to contract several strains of Satanism by indulging in the Seven Deadly Sins, or as Satanists call them, The Seven Really Excellent Things You Should Like Totally Do. We here at DOTM are God-fearing folk, so here's a handy, printable list of the Seven Deadly Sinamajigs so you can better protect yourself from Satanism, and save yourself from Hell, where everyone gets Satanism, like, all the time. It's the common cold of Hell. THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS 1. LUCK: Nobody likes a winner, so if you've been doing unusually well at the craps tables, you, sir, are going to hell in a not-particularly-lucky handbasket. 2. HUNGER: Could you go for a twinkie about now? Well, I hope you enjoy it while you're ROASTING IN THE BOWELS OF HELL!! 3. IMPORTANCE: God hates being stepped to. Statues, tributes, Academy Awards, being published, getting mail addressed to your full name and not just "occupant"... these are all signs that you are getting a little too Important in God's eyes. Chill out and live in a cave for awhile. 4. BEING A PLAYA HATA: Why you gotta hate like that? And why you gotta know my bizness?? 5. FEAR: People are scared of things, such as the dark, clowns, Cher, and being mired in enternal damnation. The ironic thing is, if they simply had the courage to tell God and his ilk to go stuff it, they could easily avoid damnation! Except for that telling God to stuff it part. He hates that. 6. OMNISEXUALITY: Think you can just go around having sex, however metaphorical or spiritual, with everything you see, and filter it all into epic stream-of-consciousness poetry? Think again. 7. CHEATING AT HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS: Dude, this is just unspeakably heinous. |